「閾値」をこえる
今日は『Quatre Leaf』 http://quatre.info/ という団体の『風の和太鼓』というミュージカルをみてきた。この『Quatre Leaf』は、病院とか養護学校とかでミュージカルをおこなうことで、そういった場所にいるひとたちに元気を振りまく団体。一度、見てきたいと思ってて、時間をつくって行ってみた。
ミュージカルと手話が非常に合うこととか、いろんな職種のひとたちが主な仕事の合間をぬって運営しているそのエネルギーとか、あたまへの刺激をいろいろもらった。
でもそれ以上に、こころに刺激をもらった。
…ほんとは観客(今日は養護学校の生徒さんたち)のこころを感じなきゃいけなかったのだけれど、それ以上に、自分のこころの動きに集中してしまっていた。
今日の物語り『風の和太鼓』は、防風林が山火事で燃えて不作が続く村に、東京から若い学者が来て、大人たちの反対を受けながらも子供と一緒に植林し、豊作を村に運ぶというはなし。50分くらいの短い時間のなかで、不作ななか夢をみる子供と現実の中で生きることにもまれて新しいことを嫌う大人とか、仲間と計画を実行していくことで成長していく子供とかいろいろ描かれていて、養護学校での公演としてはとてもいいなぁ、と感じていた。
…で、自分がもっとも楽しんでいたしいろいろ感じていたと、思った(汗)。
ここ2年くらいの自分に、濁りを感じていた。
僕は、医学生時代、意識的に医学を勉強しなかった。いろいろ大事な試験はあるけれど、試験に受かること自体は試験の質を見抜いてしまえばそんなに難しいわけではない(医科歯科は私立医大と違ってお目こぼしがあるし(汗)、国試はパターンを掴んでしまえばすべき努力をすれば3ヶ月くらいで合格圏には入れる。…まあ自分の場合は1ヵ月半しか勉強できなかったけれど…)。何よりも、いろいろな先生に会って回ると、いい医者、は、学生時代にすごく医学を勉強していたひとでは、ほとんどなかった。学生時代に勉強しまくったからといっていい医者になれるわけではないというEvidenceを山と見て、医学生時代に医学を勉強しぬくことは、ぼくは捨てた。
…まあ、病院にとって戦力になる医者は、学生時代に勉強していたひとなのだな、と最近理解したけれどね。
まあともかくも、医学を勉強しぬいたところでいい医者になれるわけではないと感じた自分は、学生時代にいろいろ模索した。今もいろいろ模索していたりする。
で、そんな模索は現場の人には否定されたりする。
…この間も病院で言われた。
「先生、臨床医になるの?」
…自分は、研修医のくせにいろいろ手を出している。医学は大好きだし臨床は大好きだけれど、病院で修行につぎ込める力、本や論文を読むのにつぎ込む時間は限られている。俺には体力という才能は普通をちょっと上回る程度しかないし、どうしても限られてしまうというのが、俺の限界。
…東大の医療政策の仲間にすら怒られた。
目の前の患者さんに全力を尽くしなさい、と。
でも、目の前の患者さんに全力を尽くしたところで、今の医療の問題は解決できない。目の前にない悲しみに目をつぶらなければ、目の前の患者さんに全力を尽くすことはできないわけで。そもそも、目の前の患者に全力を尽くすのであれば、公衆衛生的なこととか医療政策的なことなど考えることは、まったくの回り道。
ひとりの医者が診れる患者の数など限界があることは、なかなかひとには理解してはもらえないけれど、真理。
医学は大好きだし、臨床は大好きだけれど、やっぱりそこだけに集中していたら将来自分は燃え尽きることは見えていて、でも医学・臨床に集中しないで余計なことをしていたら針の上に座り続けることになるのも現実で。
…まあ、人付き合いが不得手だという自分の性癖に問題もあるのだけれど。
中置きが長くなったが、今日の公演は、「閾値」に届かずもがいている自分のこころに、ぐさぐさと突き刺さってきた。
そうなんだよね。周りをもっと動かすことができなきゃね。
でも、周りを動かしきるには、自分は今濁っている。自分自身にpureではない。
この2週間、ちょっと鬱傾向になりながら考え込んでみた。
で、僕は恩義に縛られる傾向がある、というのが、昨日でたとりあえずの結論。
そう、僕は恩義に縛られる性癖がある。
師匠への恩、仲間への恩、サポーターへの恩、それらに縛られすぎる。そして、表面的な恩に縛られて、本質的な恩を返せてない現状があったりする。
そう、表面的な恩に縛られている。
ばっさり、それらを断ち切る必要がある。
そうしなくちゃ、閾値には届けない。針の上に座り続ける羽目になる。近い将来、燃え尽きる。
さて、次の手を、打つ。
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