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欲と夢と

ふと、昔友人に言われたことを思い出した。

 ICU生ってみんな、雲の上を生きている。

たしかに。的を得た表現だな、と思いつついた。


…最近、泥沼の中を歩いている。研修なんて泥臭いものだ、そんなものだと思っていたけれど、なんか違う気がしつついた。
そして、分かった気がした。

最近の自分、欲、にまみれている。欲といっても、生存欲、とか生きる欲。別にお金とか名誉とかには興味はないけれど。

いろいろな会社の社長とかみていると、輝いている人たちがいる。対して多くの病院長は、臨床医していたころは輝いていただろうに…今は人相がおそらく悪くなっているんだろうな…と感じてしまう先生たちが多い。おそらく、臨床という、戦いつつも夢の中、な世界から、生死を分かつ生存欲を全開にして戦い抜かねばならないところにいくからなのではないだろうか。

で、自分。
仲間たちとこれからどう歩くのかとか、どんな医者としての道をあるこうだとか、生存欲で息も絶え絶えになっていた。
顔色とか、とても悪くなっていたと思う。
生存欲。
必要なんだけれど、その向こうにいかないといけないもの。
欲をこえて、雲の上の歩みを取り戻さないと。

欲ではなくって夢。
筋斗雲にのれる自分でありたいな。

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