思考停止? クリニカルパス?
また、異動後の科・不適合に悩んでいる…
いろいろ考えすぎ、とはわかってはいるのだけれど。
目的に向かってきっちり穴なくリズムよく動かなきゃいけないのに、「なんか変だ」で足踏みして、他医がつけた診断を疑って治療内容整理したくなる気持ちをもつのは、だめなんだろうな…。どこまで動いていいのか、どこからがでしゃばりなのか。分からなくなって、単純なことまで動けなくなったり、単純なことを質問してしまったり、リズムがめちゃくちゃになってくる。でも、ゼロから全てを把握しようとすると、たまに、短時間の外来でしか治療を受けていなかった患者さんたちへの治療に、違和感を感じることがある。
あと異動すると知識ゼロにリセットされるからひどいバカになるから合間見て勉強してはみるけれど、逆に本で読んだこととそこでされてることが違ったり。勉強するほどにくるっていく気がする。
スーパーローテートもしんどい。前の科で常識だった方法が、次の科では「バカ!」といわれたりもする。まあ結局は、そんなふうにずれているものは、どっちでもいいことがほとんどなので、精神的にはダメージ受けつつもまあ勉強になりもするのかもしれないが。
研修医のうちは本を読むな。論文を読むな。
それも一面、真実なのかもしれない。どうしてもそういった意見とは肌が合わないけれども。でも、そうすれば、楽になるのだろうな…。
学び上手。聞き上手。それが何より大切。
自分の足で確かめながら知識を踏みしめてみたい、本と上司がなにか違う、なんて考えるのは、嫌われる道。
しってはいる、けれども。
約束処方、約束検査、にもなかなか慣れないし。
だって、患者はみんな違うから。手術が始まる時間も違うし、それまでされている準備も微妙に違ったりする。
でも、それを考えないでパスにのっけたほうが、結局は労力を無駄にせず、きちんと全力を治療につぎ込めるということはある。些細な違いは眼をつぶっていればいい。無視すればいい。
けれど、些細な違いがほんとうに些細なのか。スタート地点はほんとうに正しいのか。
でも、経験ある他医や上医と違うことを考えても、みんな損するということがほとんどだろう。
へんなこと口にしても、嫌な顔されるだけ。
でも、口にしなくても雰囲気にでちゃうし…。
あああああああ。
スーパーローテートなんて嫌い。
もっと自信をもてばいいのかな。そうしたら鼻につかないのかな。でも、自信ないな…。なんでみんなあんなに自信がもてるんだろう…。
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